Greetings from Kelly Urich at GEN X RADIO 99.7!

The new center of population in the United States is Plato, Missouri.
If you took the entire population of the country and found a center of the middle of them, you would be right in the middle of southern Missouri, just south of Ft. Leonard Wood.

**BTW, Ft. Leonard Wood would have been a better name for the movie Winter’s BONE.

KCPD has a new $395,000 mobile van that can do 5 breathalyzer tests at once.

**They say they want to be prepared when the Backstreet Boys are in town.

Diet Coke replaced Pepsi as the #2 soft drink in the country. Coke is #1, followed by Diet Coke and Pepsi is #3.

**Anytime Coke is #1, Charlie Sheen calls that “WINNING.”

Pepsi has unveiled a new earth friendly bottle made entirely of plant materials. The bottle is made from switchgrass, pine bark, corn husks and other materials.

**The only drawback? Your Pepsi tastes like V-8.

Taylor Swift has joined the cast of The Lorax based on the classic Dr. Seuss book.

**This time around the Lorax speaks for the trees…and for all the women who had their hearts broken by John Mayer.

That nuclear disaster looks terrible. I haven’t seen a rod meltdown like this since Blagojevich.

President Obama says the United States is not in any danger of radiation coming from Japan.

**And yet, our parade float was voted most-popular because we were tossing iodine pills to the crowd.

On the subject of Saint Patrick’s Day, we played a contest on my show called Saint Patrick or Charlie Sheen. Play along and reward yourself!

1. Inspired the entire world to go green – ST PATRICK or CHARLIE SHEEN?

Inspired an entire nation to go CLEAN…

2. Was sold into slavery to a sheep farmer.

Enslaved a couple of bimbos in search of beaver.

3. Used a shamrock to explain the holy trinity.

Used 7 grams or rock to explain why he’s going to hell.

For the record, Fox 4’s Don Harmon is still my dream leprechaun.

Kansas City based Heart to Heart sent a team of volunteers with supplies to Japan to help with disaster relief.

**Heart to Heart shipped medication, water, syringes, bandages and an entire case of Cheap Trick albums.
The Grand Marshal foe the St. Patrick’s day parade was Micheal Mahoney from channel 9.

**Several parade workers were walking alongside Micheal’s car with giant ropes tethered to his hair.

The University of Kansas has been named one of the top ten most effective universities at using social media for marketing. The university is great at connecting with people using social media outlets like Facebook.

**And let’s be honest. Who among us hasn’t poked a KU student at one time or another?

Michael Jackson’s doctor has been officially reprimanded by the California Medical board.

**Dr Murray says he is only down to one active patient, and this patient just lost his job with CBS…

Matt Damon’s movie “Hereafter” has been removed from theaters in Japan, because it includes a recreation of the 2004 tsunami in the Indian Ocean.

**Natural disasters didn’t stop Hollywood from releasing TWISTER in the spring of 1996.

I haven’t seen you in FOREVER! Join me THIS FRIDAY, March 25th, for
FREE KELLY URICH GRUNT t-shirts! I’m doing my entire show live from 2-7 at THE MARQUEE at 14th and Main downtown. Great cocktails, food and Boulevard Tank 7 on tap! The Marquee is in the AMC Main Street Theater. Come down and bring a bunch of friends for a guaranteed good time!

Greetings from Kelly Urich at Gen X Radio 99.7!

If you want to watch my stand-up delivery, click this link…

The new 2010 census numbers are in and Kansas City grew by 4 percent to easily be the biggest city in Missouri.

**Even more shocking?  That 4% growth did not include body fat.

A man drove through an Overland Park KFC, paid for his food.  When he arrived home his take-out contained a bank deposit bag full of cash and that is not part of the Colonel’s secret recipe!

**Fortunately, in Overland Park, a bag full of money is the colonel’s secret recipe for EVERYTHING.

A shocking revelation about Kansas City homicide detectives:  they don’t have their own police cars or even have cell phones.

**No wonder crime goes unsolved around here.  We’re fighting cyber criminals with Marshal Dillon and Festus.

Last week a new web app launched that lets you stalk your Facebook friends when they change their relationship status.  The app  got 3.5 million signups in a week.  Facebook shut it down.  They told the developer it was taxing their system too much.  He’s working to get it back up and running.

**Ironically, I was using the app to get it back up and running too!
In London, a restaurant is offering ice cream that’s made out of breast milk. They pay women $2.40-an-ounce for their breast milk, then mix it with vanilla and lemon zest and sell it to people at $23-a-serving.

**This story takes me back to my childhood….when I used to watch British BOOBIES on the Benny Hill Show.

Violent crime in Kansas City dropped drastically last year.

Rape was down 19%
Robbery was down 19%
Assault was down 12%

The drop in crime was more than double the national average.

**This coincides with the year we launched Gen X Radio.  Coincidence?
I THINK NOT!

A small airplane from Florida had to make an emergency landing after engine problems Thursday morning around 2 a.m.  The plane landed on Little Blue Parkway in Independence.

**Nobody was hurt but the landing did disrupt a couple of meth deals.

A plan is underway to turn the Kansas City Zoo into three smaller zoos for the price of one.  Every year there are complaints about our giant 202 acre zoo being too big to walk from one end to the other.

**Even the camels were complaining.
On American Idol the auditions are down to 24 semifinalists with 12 guys and 12 girls.

**Eventually, 30 million women will vote and it will get down to the top 2 guys.

Charlie Sheen took off for the Bahamas on a private jet last week, and he had three women with him.

**But it was nice to see Wilson Phillips back together again.

Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi paid Mariah $1 MILLION for a private concert in 2009.  She performed 4 songs and was paid a quarter-million per song.  Never mind he was responsible for blowing up flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

**You have to respect Khadafi a little bit because he offered her another million bucks if she promised not to act.

Thanks to the unrest in Libya and rumors Khadafi will blow up some pipelines, the price of gas is racing toward $4 a gallon.

**If we want to get even with Khadafi, I say we stop exporting hair jell.

Union Station finished 2010 with a $4 million surplus.  About half of that money came from donations.

**The other half came from me paying parking tickets.

Two-time All-Star and Kansas City reliever Joakim Soria Tweeted he doesn’t like to be called the Mexicutioner.  He said, “How about we change my nickname to something more positive? In support to Mexico to stop all the violence!!!”

TOP 5 NEW NICKNAMES FOR JOAKIM SORIA
#5.  The bullpen kingpin.
#4.  The 9th inning Mexi-Meltdown.
#3.  The Ricky Martin of ball control.
#2.   NACHO average closer.
#1.   Que Pasa KC.

Things are looking bad at Kauffman Stadium this year.

**Instead of singing Friends in Low Places during seventh inning stretch, this year everyone will sing Unanswered Prayers.

A baby was born in an elevator hospital last week in Lawrence.  The mom was rushing to Olathe Medical Center but when the contractions became too intense, she was diverted to Lawrence Memorial.  As the elevator door opened the head was already popping out.  The 5 pound 11 ounce girl is nicknamed Ellee.

**I can relate to that story because I was conceived in an elevator.  My nickname was PUSH FOR ALARM.

Signs that the economy is getting better, according to Kiplinger.com, some good indicators are that we’re buying desserts and Starbucks again, we’re getting breast implants and other cosmetic surgeries again and depressing Google searches for things like “unemployment benefits” are tailing off. Also, people are finally replacing their old, tore-up underwear.

**My wife buys all of my underwear.  That explains why each pair has a little bow.

The one common last name in this country that’s 90%  African-American and that name is Washington.  A lot of emancipated slaves picked the last name Washington to honor the country’s first president, even though he was a slave owner.

**There are no African-American children with the last name Urich, but only because Sharita Hutton is playing hard-to-get.

A list of the Most Livable Cities in the World is out and Vancouver is No. 1.
Vancouver is definitely #1 on my MUST SEE list if you’re looking for an inexpensive way to leave the country.

The top ten world cities for livability, from the Economist:

1. Vancouver, Canada (5 years in a row)
2. Melbourne, Australia
3. Vienna, Austria
4. Toronto, Canada
5. Calgary, Canada
6. Helsinki, Finland
7. Sydney, Australia
8. Perth, Australia
9. Adelaide, Australia
10. Auckland, New Zealand

American cities didn’t even crack the top 20. The highest-ranked U.S. city was Pittsburgh at 29, Los Angeles was at a distant 44, and New York at just 56.

**All of these cities have something we don’t have in Kansas City.  They all have a rolling roof.

Chris Brown is allowed to hang out with Rihanna again.  A judge reduced the restraining order Rihanna had against Chris to a “level one”, which means he’s allowed to be in contact with her, but he can’t annoy, harass or, obviously, physically assault her.  This time, if they have a disagreement, he just has to take it.

**So, it’s sort of like being married to her.

New data collected by the NASA Kepler mission sheds some light on how big the Milky Way is. They now know our galaxy has a minimum of 50 billion planets.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is some freak alien somewhere out there just as messes up as you are.

Spring break tourism in Acapulco may drop by 88 percent because of violence in Mexico.

**The good news?  I was able to book a hotel room there for free.  All I have to bring was a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

The wedding dress Princess Diana wore in the royal wedding will be on display at Union Station this weekend but made a quick stop at NBC’s Today Show.

**It was beautiful but looked a little tight on Matt Lauer.  Thankfully, it was able to mask the blow that was falling from his nose.

Presidents’ Day this year was also Love Your Pet Day

**On this day in 1998 it was PET YOUR PRESIDENT DAY.

The guest list for Prince William’s wedding has been finalized, and his aunt Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, is not invited.

**I will be in England around the time of the wedding and I’m thinking about arriving in a giant egg.

Miley Cyrus is not happy about Billy Ray’s recent comments to GQ magazine about how Hannah Montana destroyed his family.

**In fact, she is so upset she cut off Billy Ray’s allowance.

An Egyptian man has named his newborn daughter Facebook, a tribute to the role the social networks played in helping organize the demonstrations leading to Hosni Mubarak resigning from the presidency.

**Meanwhile, I’m trying to get my daughters to friend Mark Zuckerberg.

An 84 year old diabetic man survived 5 nights while stranded in a ditch in the middle of the desert.  He survived by drinking windshield wiper fluid. He filtered the fluid with a napkin to make it safe while waiting for rescuers.

**Meanwhile, I just about lose my mind while waiting 10 minutes for a table at Hooter’s.

Thanks for taking time to read and forward our video link to your friends for a free gift that will keep giving for 5 minutes!

Greetings from Kelly Urich at Gen X Radio 99.7!

If you didn’t see the video of me delivering last week’s jokes, you can check it out here.

It was basically me and Jessica Johnston goofing off in the video room.  She did a great job.  I looked like I was reading from my iPad….which I was.  The whole video is sort of ugly but it will still make you smile.  Sort of like that chubby girl on the facts of life.  I post it on my Facebook page weekly now, so make sure you friend me.

You can watch it here.

If I look a little sick…that’s because Entercom only uses Asbestos microphone covers.

The price of cotton is up 153 percent since last summer.  If you want to buy jeans or shirts, this weekend’s President’s Day sales are a good idea.

**Unless you’re Lindsay Lohan.  Then you can continue stealing as usual.

Kansas City based Hallmark has just launched an industry first – prepaid greeting cards where the postage is already paid.  All you have to do is stick it in the mail, no stamps required, no envelopes to lick.

**I don’t know about you but I’m running out of things I feel comfortable licking.

At 66 years of age Rod Stewart is a father again.  His 39-year-old wife Penny gave birth to a baby boy named Aiden.

**Not bad for a 66 year old.  They don’t call him Rod for nothing!

An 84 year old diabetic man survived 5 nights while stranded in a ditch in the middle of the desert.  He survived by drinking windshield wiper fluid. He filtered the fluid with a napkin to make it safe while waiting for rescuers.

**And to think I just about lose my mind while waiting in line for 10 minutes to be seated at Hooters.

The Kansas City Chiefs have stuck Tamba Hali with the dreaded FRANCHISE PLAYER.

He led the AFC with 14 1/2 sacks last season.  Tamba says he would like to retire with the Chiefs.

**Tamba was also named a franchise player at Taco Bell.

The Arizona Republic projects the Royals to have the lowest payroll in Major League Baseball for opening day with a projected $35 million.  The Yankees payroll is projected at $195 million.

**The Royals are now the only team in the league where the players get paid by the hour.

We had a record 70+ degree day Thursday.  The temperature at the radio station reached 74 degrees but that also meant strong winds?

It was so windy some of our trash actually blew in the Deffenbaugh truck!

Oh, man, it was windy!  It’s so windy Michael Mahoney’s hair was combed over Larry Moore’s head.

Windy!  That French Tickler on top of Bartle Hall was powering 3,000 homes.

Some countries protest brutal leaders and ruthless dictators.  In Kansas City we protest new buildings on the plaza.  The City Planning Commission rejected the proposed new building to be home of the law firm Polsinelli Shughart.  The building would bring 500 employees to the plaza area.

**On the flip side of this, it’s always entertaining to see a bunch of lawyers who have no place to call home.

Project Runway judge Michael Kors will open a designer fashion store on the plaza this summer.  It will take part of the current Eddie Bauer space which is moving to the former Mark Shale space.  Everyone from Michelle Obama to Angelina Jolie wears his fashions.

**It’s about time!  It was getting to the point where there were only like, 30 stores for my gay friends to shop on the plaza.

A new survey in Allure finds the race that women find most attractive is mixed race.  64 percent of women think people like President Obama are the epitome of beauty.

**In honor of President’s day I think Boulevard should have release a part chocolate, part vanilla ale.

Tiger Woods was fined for spitting on the green at the Dubai Desert Classic.

If you were paying close attention you noticed Eminem was wearing a sobriety necklace during his 7 minute Grammy performance. It was the circle and triangle symbol used by Alcoholics Anonymous.  It wasn’t a good luck charm because he only won 2 of the10 awards he was up for.

**He should have joined Lady Antebellum when he had the chance.

A NASA telescope may have picked up a new ninth planet, called Tyche.  If it’s named a planet it would be the largest one in the Solar System with a mass 1,200 times greater than Earth.

**Still no sign of Bin Laden…

Just because you’re conservative in your politics doesn’t mean you’re conservative with your private parts. A new poll found that 44% of Republicans say they’re excited about their love lives versus 32% of Democrats and 31% of Independents.

**The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus Bill Clinton.

A New York cabbie returned a bag containing $75,000 in jewelry to its owner, then turned down a dinner in his honor because alcohol would be served. But Muslim Zubiru Jalloh did reluctantly accept a $1,000 reward.

**We need more Muslims like this guy to run for president.

Tulsa, Oklahoma police found the body of a headless 55-year-old woman in her home and the cause of death was ruled – natural causes!    Apparently, she died of natural causes a few months ago, and her dogs got so hungry they ate different parts of her body and gnawed off her head and dragged it into a different room.

**Let this be a lesson to children….when the chips are down your puppy will eat you.

According to CNN.com, 90 million Americans have bad breath. The most common thing people do is breathe into their hand and smell it.  But that doesn’t really work.  Instead, lick the back of your hand, wait a few seconds, then smell the back of your hand.  Because contrary to popular belief, bad breath doesn’t have anything to do with dental hygiene.  It’s all about the bacteria on your tongue.  If you’re still not sure where you stand, ask your dentist.

**I always feel funny when I go to the dentist.  Mainly because he starts scrubbing from the waist down.

The hot, and hard to find item for Valentine’s Day this year was Boulevard Chocolate Ale.

TOP 5 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT CHOCOLATE ALE

#5.  It makes you drunk dial someone in Hershey, Pennsylvania.

#4.  Your beer belch smells like a Russell Stover store.

#3.  Hosni Mubarak agreed to step down if he got a free case.

#2.  If worn as a cologne, you can completely skip the foreplay.

#1.  It’s made by Boulevard but somehow leads to getting Busch!

Do you have a password on your Internet connection?  If you don’t your neighbors are probably stealing from you.  A new survey found one in three people admit they hop on their neighbor’s Internet connection.

**I think someone has tapped into my wi-fi because my hate mail is coming in slower than usual.

Thanks for taking time to read this and if you would rather watch it on you tube, it’s on my Facebook!

Greetings from Kelly Urich on Gen X Radio 99.7!

Let this be a warning…I’ve developed an addiction to really old jokes.  My doctor says if it doesn’t get better I’ll have to check into the Betty WHITE clinic.

Thanks to Gen X listeners, we named the massive snow storm “SNOWTORIOUS B.I.G.”  That name was mentioned along with GEN X RADIO 99.7 Tuesday morning on the weather channel.  And yes, it was my first national exposure since my Party of Five days.

WELCOME TO SUPER BOWL WEEKEND.  I’m throwing a Super Bowl party at my house but I haven’t had one person RSVP.  I’ve GOT to get a color television.

Fox has rejected a Super Bowl ad from a group called Jesus Hates Obama.

**However, Fox News has given the group a one-hour show.

I can hardly wait to watch the Super Bowl, because, afterwards, the players are about to strike for more money and if this nation needs anything now, we need to watch millionaires begging for more money.

TOP 5 SIGNS IT IS REALLY COLD IN KANSAS CITY:

#5.  Considering traveling to Egypt to warm up over a burning car.

#4.  A bum on the plaza asked for a quarter for a downpayment on an Amish Fireplace.

#3.  Can hardly wait for the 26th consecutive rebuilding season for the Royals.

#2.  The Hare Krishna’s on the plaza are singing Ice Ice Baby.

#1.  Nikita, the polar bear has applied for a gig at the Miami Zoo.

I’m trying to figure out a way to get the Westboro Baptist Church to join the protests in Egypt.  We’ve elected a president named OBAMA!  What else can we do to get those Arabs to like us?

The Internet is about to run out of IP web addresses as roughly 4.3 billion addresses are now taken.

**What’s worse…the value of most of those addresses has decreased 10 percent since 2008 and construction of new addresses has come to a halt.

The Kepler Satellite currently orbiting the Earth, has spotted over 1,200 planets orbiting stars outside our solar system.  54 of these planets are in the Goldilocks zone where it’s not too hot or too cold for life.

**Scientists say within a few hundred years we should have people on these planets so we can start global warming elsewhere in the Galaxy.

One NASA scientist thinks we’re hitting a period of solar hibernation.  We’re getting less solar radiation from the sun and that could cool the planet for 30 years.

**I’ll believe it when I see Mexico putting up a fence to keep out the Americans.

Wichita police are now wearing hats equipped with small cameras that videotape every encounter with pulled over motorists.  The camera is made by the same company that makes tasers used to shock people during arrests.

**This sounds like a reality TV show in the making.

A BP executive says he fully expects the gulf to recover from the oil spill within 3 years.

**Even better, all of those dead fish and birds will turn into oil in a few billion years and that’s great news for BP stock.
Mariah Carey has revealed that she’ll give birth to a boy and a girl.  Mariah says she has been nauseous a lot during the pregnancy.

**Now she knows how I felt when I spent $10 to see GLITTER.

Justin Bieber news!  If you have little girls, don’t let them know that they will NOT be the first to kiss Justin Bieber.  He says he had his first kiss when he was 11 or 12 and he says it was really awkward.

**Not because he wasn’t experienced but because Bubbles the Chimp was watching.

MTV announced Wednesday it is bringing back Beavis and Butt-Head.

**Finally!  A decent cartoon I can watch with my children.

75 percent of the United States is covered with snow.

**Even more shocking, 60 percent of Oprah is covered in snow.

Kansas City is home to the National World War I Museum.  65 million men fought in World War One.  Only three are still alive today.  Only one is an American.  And last week he turned 110!  His name is Frank Buckles and he lives in West Virginia.

**He was interviewed because he is thought to be the last person in America who can remember when Betty White wasn’t cool.

About two out of every three Americans are planning to watch the Super Bowl on Sunday but  not everyone’s in it for the game.  One out of eight people say they only watch because they want to see the commercials.

**I’m only watching to see which hotel Erin Andrews is staying in.

On Monday night in Tampa, a woman swerved off the road and crashed her car into her insurance company’s office building!

**It still took her insurance company 24 hours to file a claim.

Former Dallas star is Larry Hagman has signed for a remake of the show, which is being developed by TNT.  He joins Patrick Duffy and Linda Gray who have already signed on.

**They already have a title for the series finale – WHO STOLE JR’S MEDICATION?

Several airlines are offering free Facebook time while you fly.  United, American, Delta and US Air are among them.  The promotion runs during the month of February.

**I’ve always wanted to poke someone at 30,000 feet.

I just completed my first Amish Karate Class.

**When I went to kick some ass…it was a real donkey.

I have to cut this short because I’m having a DNA test performed to determine if I’m Oprah’s half-brother.  Have a great week and call the show ya big lug!  913 576 7997!

Greetings from Kelly Urich at Gen X Radio 99.7!

Fridays are incredibly popular at Gen X as Free Ticket Friday is white hot.  BSB/NKOTB and Linkin Park in past two weeks  Tune in and win big!

Royals FanFest is Saturday at the Overland Park Convention Center.  9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Saturday.

**Which is roughly the length of a Royals game in late September.

Ever wonder why some dogs are afraid of us?  Archeologists have discovered that over 10,000 years ago, dog was an occasional meal for early humans.

**That’s 8,000 B.C.  (BENJI CUISINE)

Good news.  Representative Giffords left the hospital Friday and was taken to an airport for a flight to Houston for a hospital that specializes in brain trauma.

**I understand she opted for the pat down instead of the body scan so that’s a good sign.
**The bad news?  When she landed in Houston Dick Cheney invited her to go hunting.

Betty White celebrated her 89th birthday at Hallmark Friday.

**She says the last time she was in Kansas City she came to trade fur.

SNL stud and Shawnee Mission West grad JASON SUDEIKIS and JANUARY JONES just broke up. And the other night, Jason was spotted leaving an event with HEATHER GRAHAM.

**Good for him! I have Heather Graham on my top 5 list of hot women.  I hope he brings her back to Overland Park.

Justin Beiber’s haircut costs $750.  Stylist Vanessa Price, who “created” Justin’s look says, quote, “I usually cut his hair every couple of weeks when he’s on tour.”

**$750?  That’s like a DOLLAR A HAIR!

American Idol has been dropping in the ratings in recent years Ratings for Wednesday’s premiere were down from last year.  Down 13% from last season with 26 million viewers.   The last American Idol Finale to have over 30 million viewers?  SEASON 7 with David Cook!
According to the National Household Travel Survey, 75% of parents now drive their children to school.  In 1969, it was only 15%. And parents drive their kids even though at least half of the school-age children in this country live within two miles of their schools.  Some blame safety concerns and bullying.  Others say it’s HELICOPTER PARENTING, where the parents are always hovering over the children.

**IN KANSAS CITY, it’s called PREVENTING FROSTBITE.

According to a new study, when Walmart comes to town, everyone gains weight.  Researchers found that a new Walmart in an area translates to an average weight gain of 1.5 pounds per person and boosts the area’s obesity rate by 2.3%.  The theory here is that Walmart sells food cheaper, and that those cheaper foods aren’t usually good for you.

**Thankfully,  I only eat in that restaurant in Target.

The new exhibit coming to Union Station is “Diana, A Celebration.”  It contains 150 objects belonging to the late Princess of Wales including dresses, her wedding gown and diamond tiaras.  Union Station is projecting up to 75,000 tickets sold.

**Trade in that man-card if you’re a guy even THINKING of attending that exhibit.

We had a record snowfall day Wednesday at KCI – 7 inches

**Kansas City also set a record for number of people driving and TWEETING.

If it’s going to snow for another three months…can we just leave the plaza lights on?
Or at least until the haunted houses open?

More than a thousand schools are closed across the state of Missouri this week.

**So, apparently, we’re buying all of this salt and all of these snow plows for nothing.

I saw a lady on I-35 who had spun around and was facing the wrong way on the side of the road.  She either hit some ice or she’s British.

Matt Cassel will play in the Pro Bowl this year.  He is still recovering from some ailments and we hear he may have had a concussion during the last game of the season.

**He’s the Tony Lorino of football.  He comes to work, no matter how many people he makes sick!

The nation’s slow economy has led to less time stuck in traffic.  Since fewer people are working, the average KC resident spent only 21 hours stuck in traffic in the last survey, down from a high of 36 hours in the late 90s.

**Apparently, only nice people have been laid off because the percentage of A-HOLES has not declined.

There’s a new “pregnancy doll” out that comes with a baby, placenta and cord and a camera.

**It’s called the Johnson County Community College Barbie!

Kansas City ranks #22 on the Travel and Leisure list of the Nation’s Rudest Cities.

**KC wouldn’t have even made the list except they surveyed people in front of the Plaza Barnes and Noble.

China has agreed to buy $45 billion in U.S. exports in a policy change celebrated at the White House.

**It’s about time we start putting lead in some of their toys!

Ford just announced a $400 million investment in the Claycomo factory which will add thousands of jobs in Kansas City.  Ford hasn’t revealed what kind of automobile will be manufactured beginning in 2012.

**We can only hope it involves snow plows.

Swiss researchers say drinking a beer a day is good for your health.  It lowers blood pressure.

**I should get some sort of rebate from my medical insurance.

Royals $55 million pitcher Gil Meche decided to retire and give up $12.4 million when he still had another year left on his contract.  He just didn’t want to put his body through another grueling year of baseball.

**It’s exactly like when I left my old job….except without the millions of dollars.  I just didn’t want to put my body through another grueling year of playing the Jonas Brothers.

KMBC 9’s Bryan Busby has been voted TV Meteorologist of the year by the American Meteorological Society.

**I’m still dreaming of employee of the month…..at GEN X!
(Bryan and I will be at the Marquee Friday night at 14th and Main.)

Fox 4’s Loren Halifax posted this story on my FB page:

A bizarre decision to ride an inflatable doll down a flood-swollen River in Australia blew up in a woman’s face yesterday when she lost her latex playmate in a rough patch.
The incident prompted a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are “not recognized flotation devices’’.  They were floating down the river on two inflatable dolls and had just passed a tunnel when the woman lost her toy in turbulent water. She clung to a floating tree, calling for help while the man stayed with her. Police pulled the woman to safety.

**She was almost the first person to be rescued by an inflatable device since the cast of Baywatch.

The Kansas City Zoo has just purchased a thermogram that allows zookeepers to obtain detailed body scans of the animals.

**Several animals are opting out of the body scan in favor of the pat-down.

Am I the only person who drives across the Kit Bond bridge and wonders, “How in the world can you turn this into a giant harp?”

Martin Luther King Jr Day came and went and I believe the dream for racial equality has finally been reached.  The other day I saw a white guy working in the kitchen at Gates BBQ.

Shots were fired into a dorm Sunday morning at Baker University. Several bullet holes were found in a glass door at Baker University’s Irwin Hall.

**Apparently, Baker really does mean business!

The George Brett at I-70 and Blue Ridge Cutoff was demolished last weekend.

**While the bridge is destroyed and in complete disrepair, it’s being called the Trey Hillman  bridge.

HAVE A WEEKEND – Kelly

Greetings from Kelly Urich on Gen X Radio 99.7!

I’m finally back in the swing after we’ve had guests at our house since mid-December.  If it were up to me our place would be a bed and breakfast but Hillary loses her mind and has to completely reboot.  Thousands of people read this weekly and I’m surprised at how many notes I received from people missing my senseless ramblings….so this is for both of you.

Kansas City ranks #13 on the new Forbes.com list of most-affordable-cities.  Omaha is the most affordable place to live.  Kansas City ranked #30 in salary and scored high for affordable housing.

**Most of our homes are cheap because they have been whisked away by tornadoes to the Land of Oz.

Kansas City’s Black and Veatch engineering firm has won a bid to build an electric power plant in Afghanistan.

**Kandahar and Helmand are years behind developed nations as most residents are just now learning the Electric Slide.

Kansas City, Missouri is doing better in the snow removal department.  Fewer people are calling the city to request snow removal than in previous years.

**They city attributes fewer complaint calls to preparation and getting an unlisted number.

The FDA thinks that food coloring could lead to hyperactivity in children.  Some people say food dye makes junk food look more appealing to today’s kids.

**When we were kids the hamburgler made food look more appealing.  How messed up are we?  YOU GO GEN X!
The nursing student who posed with a photo of a human placenta on Facebook has been allowed to return to finish her degree.  Doyle Byrnes, who’s graduating in May at JCCC is thrilled with the ruling from a federal judge.

**I do think that was in poor taste.  For example, I only post photos of human placentas on PLACENTABOOK.

A 94 year old man in India is on record for being the oldest NEW FATHER, ever!
The man says he and his 52-year-old wife have relations THREE TIMES a day, but may scale back a little bit to focus on their child.

**And I thought I was a beast for going at it TWICE a day!

According to a British study, the buttons on an ATM are just as dirty as a PUBLIC TOILET.  Scientists swabbed ATM keys and toilets and found the same bacteria which cause illness and diarrhea.

**Ironically, looking at my account balance can also cause illness and diarrhea.

TOP 5 WAYS TO STAY WARM IN KANSAS CITY:

#5. Apply for a kitchen job at LC’s BBQ.

#4.  Utilize that baby fat you’ve been keeping around for decades.

#3.  Go to the plaza and rub the Wild Boar of Florence until it shines.

#2.  Stand over a downtown storm drain and take in the steaming aroma.

#1. Walk around the Nelson and ask people if they would like to see your shuttle cock.

Maybe the saddest story of the year…and we’re in week TWO..  A 4 month old infant was attacked by a family ferret and lost 7 fingers in the middle of the night.  It happened in Grain Valley Monday morning.  They think milk formula the baby spit up attracted the animal.

**The ferret says he got the idea from watching the Ravens eat the Chiefs alive.

Chiefs coach Todd Haley said he is relieved the season is over so he can finally get back to not-shaving.

The Chiefs playoff win drought stretches back to 1994 and Joe Montana.  Forrest Gump was the big movie and Lisa Loeb was popular.  Even with the loss I had fun at Arrowhead…CBS Survivor winner Danni Boatwright invited me to the game and she just gave birth a month ago.  Danni is married to Chiefs center Casey Wiegmann.

Mid-way through the second quarter she turns to me and says “MY MILK JUST DROPPED.”  And, of course, I say. “CAN I HELP YOU WITH THAT?”
Her reply?  “ONLY IF YOU WANT SOME ICE CREAM!”

In Manitoba, Canada, a doctor is on trial for giving patients very long, thorough, intense breast exams . . . when they had throat issues.  One woman went to him with a cough and he took off her shirt and bra . . . quote, “rolled her nipples and squeezed them.”

**If the Doctor doesn’t do time he is guaranteed a job with the TSA.

The government is reducing the amount of fluoride in public drinking water because it’s causing splotchy teeth.  Americans are getting too much fluoride in toothpaste and drinking water and, ironically, it’s leading to tooth problems.

I saw a bumper sticker in Westport that said….GET THE F OUT OF OUR WATER….and the F….stood for Fluoride….I think.

Greetings from Kelly Urich at Gen X Radio 99.7!

It’s great to be back from vacation.  Thanks to Ryan Seacrest for filling in for me.  Listen to his show weekdays as he interviews all the celebrities I ignore because they aren’t big enough for drive-time radio.

I went to the Chiefs game in St. Louis and watched another win against the Rams.  We win the AFC West and I was surprised to see only 60,000 people at Arrowhead for the Titans game.  The Chiefs blame it on low attendance across the league the day after Christmas.  Of course, I have the….

TOP 5 OTHER REASONS ARROWHEAD WASN’T FULL:

#5.  Grandma only gave us ten bucks for Christmas.

#4.  Titans fans got lost because Rand McNally map uses big words.

#3.  Kansas City fans are all caught up in Royals mania.

#2.  After years of tailgating the other 30,000 fans are too fat to fit in the stadium.

#1.  Why watch the game when you can tune to 99.7 to hear ***MATT GRUNT***

A skunk came within 20 feet of wandering into one of the automatic doors at KCI during the holiday rush.  The skunk got away but passengers are urged to call airport security if you see him again.

**Apparently, airport security is getting tired of just feeling up PEOPLE.

Congratulations to Kansas City’s own BNIM…The American Institute of Architects has named BNIM the Architect Firm of the Year.

They are involved with the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts and the Bloch Building at the Nelson.  They have designed a building in New York that produces no waste, recycles all its water and generates all of its own energy.

**Even the toilet seats can be recycled into giant horseshoes.

Mariah Carey announced she’s having twins.

**Though unborn, the little fetuses are currently hitting notes that has dogs howling three counties away.

Kanye West released a new Christmas song.

**I didn’t hear it but I’m guessing it’s not White Christmas.

Nearly 700,000 people flew through KCI last week.  Only half of them asked me for a ride from the airport.  So far this year U.S. airlines collected more than $4.3 billion in fees for checking baggage and changing tickets.

**They also collected $150 from me because my wife accidentally booked my flight to watch the Chiefs play in Denver…but I’m not bitter.

A new album of music from the late Michael Jackson is out.  MICHAEL is a compilation of newly completed recordings by the King of Pop.

**And we all know that’s Justin Bieber.

Patrick Vaillancourt wants to break a world record, so the Canadian will have over 100,000 Internet addresses tattooed on his body by summer.

**That’ll suck when he is 60 and discovers the internet was just a fad.

A new report from Workforce Management magazine says most of us aren’t getting enough sleep because of work.  Employee fatigue is being reported by more HR people than ever before.  We’re averaging 6.9 hours of sleep and we need at least 8.

**It’s tough doing your job, juggling kids, worrying about the economy and spending 10 hours on Facebook everyday.  It’s almost too much.

Captured insurgents have revealed al-Qaida tried to plan a terrorist attack during the holiday season.  U.S. intelligence says the threat is credible.

**Apparently, they’re as sick of Christmas songs from the Cast of Glee as we are.

The Streetside Records in Westport will close in January.  The record store was formerly known as Pennylane Records until 1989.  Several people are trying to save the record store and a Facebook page is up.

**Even though, no one has bought a record since the Bee Gees were big.

The city had to waive a liquor law to allow a Trader Joe’s to locate at Ward Parkway Center.  Trader Joe’s sells Two Buck Chuck, which is a low cost wine that wins lots of wine awards.  You can buy a bottle of high-end wine for less than a glass of beer.

**That’s great news for those of us who’ve been getting our alcohol from drinking mouthwash.

Thieves in Birmingham, Alabama burned down the city’s 35-foot Christmas tree so they could steal the copper wiring that was used for the lights.  Police are still searching for suspects . . . but a local radio station gave the city $7,500 to pay for a replacement tree.

**Once again our top story…there’s a radio station in America with a $7,500 budget!

The Brookings Institute says Kansas City is one of the top 10 racially integrated cities in America.

**It’s true.  I can now go to Quik Trips all over town and not understand what the hell the clerks are saying.

Bill Gates met with President Obama about how to move the economy forward.
He said it was quite a thrill meeting with the most powerful man in the world.

**Bill Gates enjoyed his time with Obama too!

Video was released of Miley Cyrus smoking from a bong.  A rep for Miley says the substance she’s seen smoking on video is not pot, but a psychedelic herb called salvia.

**The rep also said it wasn’t Miley in the video…it was Hannah Montanna.

Salvia’s popularity has skyrocketed after Miley Cyrus was caught smoking it.  Salvia causes hallucinations and kids all over California are now trying it.  So let me get this straight….Miley smokes something and its popularity goes through the roof?

**I wonder if Miley would smoke Brodie Croyle?

GOOD NEWS!  Fed Ex had its busiest day ever the Monday before Christmas, shipping over 16 million packages.

BAD NEWS!  Most of the packages contained people’s résumés.

Kansas City ranks behind only Seattle and San Francisco in charitable contributions based on dollars given and time donated.

**Primarily because the Royals have been given charity status.

New research says the rings around Saturn were caused by a moon that plunged into Saturn and left its outer layer of ice and gas to form the rings.  It’s a new theory that seems to work according to scientists.

**It’s kind of like that ring of gas you find around me after ice-cream plunges into my belly….darned lactose problem.

More than 600 passengers spent the night on a Branson showboat after the boat became stranded after running aground on a bank at Table Rock Lake.  Temperatures were in single digits and some passengers resorted to wearing tablecloths to keep warm.

**They said the experience was miserable but it was still better than the Bladknobbers Jamboree.

Hope to see you Friday night at the hottest New Year’s Eve party in Kansas City!  Details and a shot at free tickets on
 http://www.genxkc.com/

Make sure you become one of our FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS for all the free stuff.  Don’t let someone else get your goodies!

Check out the radio show weekdays from 2-7 and call me!

913 576 7997!

Greetings from Kelly Urich on GEN X RADIO 99.7!
Matt Cassel is out with an appendectomy….and it shows.

TOP 5 SURGERIES IN CHIEFS HISTORY:

#5.  Herm Edwards had a THREE AND OUT-patient surgery.

#4.  During the Herm era, 79,000 Chiefs fans had surgery for sleep apnea.

#3.  Andre Rison had Lefteye surgery.

#2.  Carl Peterson had to be surgically removed from Lamar Hunt’s ass.

#1.  Lin Elliott had a uterus transplant.

It’s DECEMBER 13 and I’m working despite a whole bunch of left-over sick days, but as you know….questionable comedy never takes a rest.

Kansas City ranks behind only Seattle and San Francisco in charitable contributions based on dollars given and time donated.

**Primarily because the Royals have been given charity status.

57 American billionaires have now pledged to give half of their fortunes to charity.  Bill Gates and Warren Buffett started the pledge back in June, and Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook is the latest one to make the pledge.

**I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg likes to ride his bicycle to different BBQ joints and drink BOULEVARD BEER??   Hmmmmmmmm……

GOOD NEWS FOR THE NORTHLAND

Ford will stop production of the Escape at the Claycomo plant but will begin production of a mysterious new car starting in late 2011, along with the F-150 that is already built there.

**That is, if the state of Kansas doesn’t come up with some incentive to move the plant to Johnson County.

More than half the students at Trailwood Elementary are out with a stomach flu so the school has been closed.

**Out of habit, several hundred parents arrived to protest the closing.

Our IT guy is wearing a t-shirt today that says…excuse me while I take a WIKI LEAK.

HEALTH magazine just put out a list of the 10 most depressing jobs in America . . . based on a study of how many people at each of those jobs suffered depression in the past year.  SEE WHERE YOU RANK!

#1.)  Nursing home and child care workers

#2.)  Food service staff

#3.)  Social workers

#4.)  Health care workers

#5.)  Artists, entertainers, and writers  (GREAT)

#6.)  Teachers

#7.)  Administrative support staff

#8.)  Maintenance workers

#9.)  Financial advisors and accountants

#10.)  Salespeople

This looks like trouble.  The Overland Park Farmers’ Market has agreed to open a new booth for the KU Athletic Department.

North America’s share of the tallest buildings in the world is 80 percent but that will fall to just 18 percent by 2012.

**That’s okay because we still have a monopoly on the world’s tallest grain bins.

Good news for Amtrak riders as pretty soon you will be able to carry a gun on the train that runs from Chicago to Kansas City and on to Los Angeles.

**That way you can shoot yourself when your train starts to derail.

University of Kansas paleontology students are working to name the state’s official fossil.  A fossil hunter in western Kansas found the ancient fish and wants to donate it to the state.

**Unfortunately, he found it at a Red Lobster in Dodge City.

Sun Publications president Steve Rose will soon be writing a column for the Kansas City Star.

**That’s like Larry Moore taking a job at Fox 4.

Good news for crime in Kansas City as domestic violence has dropped.  Domestic violence, homicides and aggravated assault levels have all decreased.

**That’s because no one can afford to buy guns and bullets for people to break in and steal.

Getting close to the end of the year and traditionally, the time of year when radio people get laid off…so everyone is paranoid here.  We no longer have a security guard…we have an insecurity guard.  If Ryan Seacrest doesn’t get his crap together he is never going to make it in this business…

Former Kansas City Chief Will Shields has won NFL Man of the Year and now can add the Walter Camp Football Foundation’s Man of the Year.

**Meanwhile, I’ve worked in Kansas City for 20 years and I’ve never once been employee of the month.

A new coal plant fired up yesterday near Weston, Missouri.  They say the plant burns coal at a lower emission rate than about any in the country.

**Plus, coal is cool again thanks to Chile!

The FCC has received dozens of complaints about the just-wrapped season of Dancing with Stars. Most were about supposed rigged voting and Bristol Palin as they claim Republicans voted for Palin because of Sarah and that tea party campaign.

**Hey, you could always have the Supreme Court settle it!

A prostitution sting in Johnson County has led to 29 men being arrested and 5 women for promoting prostitution.  Most people don’t associate Johnson County with prostitution these stings average 10 arrests per day.

**We put the “John” in “Johnson County.”

George Lucas reportedly wants to digitally resurrect dead actors and put them in new movies.

**I wonder if he will digitally lift my body from Party of Five someday?

Sprint, NO LONGER TOGETHER WITH NEXTEL.  Sprint paid $36 billion during the Gary Forsee era.  The Nextel network didn’t work well with smart phones because of the walkie-talkie feature.

**Gary Forsee was also working on a Sprint version of the iPod that would merge cell phones with eight track players.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON…it’s not the gift you buy or get, it’s the memories you make.

Have a great holiday.  I’ll have one more quality update and hope to see you at the Hyatt Crown Center for the hard-to-get ticket for New Year’s Eve.  Listen to win more on Free Ticket Friday on Gen X Radio 99.7!

COOL NEWS!  Tour de BBQ has won COURSE OF THE YEAR from the SportKC Awards for 2010!

Also, I’ve had a lot of requests for my Eminem remix by SLIM KELLY “I’m Sick of Shaving!”
Check it out on my FB page:
 http://www.facebook.com/kellyurich

The government in Iran is embarrassed after they looked at a satellite image of their airport on Google Maps and saw that it had a JEWISH STAR on top.  Apparently the engineers who built the airport decades ago were Israeli.

**Meanwhile, airport security is using Google Maps to search Jessica Simpson.

NASA had announced a press conference “to discuss an astrobiology finding that would impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life.” Then they had this lame announcement about finding bacteria that grows on poison.

**What’s the big deal?  Just check any bachelor’s refrigerator.

Chuck Norris was made an honorary member of the Texas Rangers yesterday.

**Also, Lew Perkins was just made an honorary member of the Kansas Lottery.

An Overland Park man has been arrested for pointing a laser pen at a KCPD helicopter.
The laser light blinded the pilot for a moment and he had to just sit there until the light went away.

**Apparently, we have deer flying our police helicopters.

Google and NORAD are teaming up to track Santa again this year. Santa’s not taken off yet but the site is already counting down: NoradSanta.org

**Santa’s having a hard time getting past the airport screening.

Last week President Obama pardoned two turkeys for Thanksgiving.  One was named Apple, and the other was Cider.

**Since then one of the turkeys has died.  He was on the Obama healthcare plan.
His death cost 3 trillion dollars.

Mizzou lost an overtime heartbreaker to Georgetown Tuesday at Sprint Center.

**Even worse?  Several Mizzou fans bought their expensive tickets through the KU Athletic Department.

The new trend this holiday season is to steal Christmas decorations.  They’re expensive and you can get a few bucks for them at a pawn shop.

**I’ve discovered some of the Christmas ornaments in Mission Hills are made of copper!

A 3 year old Chinese boy had to be rescued from a washing machine in China!  His head got stuck in the machine’s narrow drum.

**The good news is, he will be fine…in fact, he is expected to be working in the factory again this weekend.

Madonna has opened a gym in Mexico City, as part of her attempt to be relevant again.
She is opening gyms all over the world called Hard Candy Fitness.

**Ironically, she used to call A-Rod Hard Candy.

A new survey shows 71 percent of Americans still say Merry Christmas.

**I tell people Happy Kwanzaa because I’m trying to convince people I’m not white.

A new Pew survey finds 58 percent of Americans think military personnel should be able to serve if they’re openly gay.

**38 percent think the Army should change from olive drab to festive colors like lemongrass green and raspberry pink.

Beware!  All of the year-end lists are being released.  AOL says Tiger Woods was the most searched-for celebrity of the year, followed by Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga.

**I thought I was the only person in America still using America On Line?  They’re going to change it to KELLY ONLINE.

The new Zagat Survey of restaurants is out and the top restaurant in the metro is in Smithville.  The Justus Drugstore?  Several listeners called saying the place is incredible, FYI.

Pink says if her baby is a boy, she’ll name him after her favorite whiskey, Jameson.

**It’s a good thing my parents didn’t name me that way or you would be listening to
Slippery Nipple Urich.

Buffalo Bills receiver Steve Johnson Tweeted an angry message to God after dropping a game-winning pass on Sunday.

**God did not tweet back because, like everyone else, he doesn’t follow the Buffalo Bills.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show aired this week on CBS.  Akon and Katy Perry will perform with Evan Longoria hosting.

**It’s like watching the Playboy Channel but with a better plot.

Kim Kardashian lays in a coffin in a new ad.

**It’s official…I can’t find any photos of the Kardashian girls where they’re not on their backs.

A biotech company in Canada has created a genetically modified apple . . . one that’s tweaked so that after you slice it, it never turns brown.

**Why can’t the Canadians do something constructive and create some TIGHTY-WHITIES that never turn brown?  I’m asking for a friend….

Got confused and spent all of Black Friday watching B.E.T.

Clay Chastain announced Sunday he is running for mayor of Kansas City as a write-in candidate.  Clay doesn’t even live in KC but says he will return if elected.

**There are still a handful of people in town who think a gondola and ferris wheel at Liberty Memorial is the answer to all of our problems.

Deffenbaugh just delivered a giant trash bin to my house with the bright yellow top.

**The top is bright yellow so I can find it when it gets lost on all the trash they leave on the side of the street.

Angelina Jolie reportedly hates Thanksgiving  and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans…according to my sources.  She and Brad took the kids to Paris for Thanksgiving.  To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn’t her style.

**Try to get in the spirit Angelina!  Rake some leaves at Haskell or something.

Taylor Swift is coming to Arrowhead next year for a giant concert, September 24.
Meanwhile, Kanye West was booed at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.

**I haven’t heard booing that loud since Lin Elliott played at Arrowhead.

HAVE A SAFE WEEKEND and give me a shout at GEN X RADIO 99.7!
(weekdays from 2-7)

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