Greetings from Kelly Urich, the most trusted name in music!

President Obama will be here July 8 to attend a Democratic fund raiser.  Michelle Obama will be here a few days later to attend the national NAACP convention.  Joe Biden will be here later to attend a Masonic Lodge meeting.

The St. Louis Cardinals were in town for the I-70 series against the Royals, so that explains the mullet-fest that happens when all the St. Louis people invade Kauffman Stadium.  Most of them come here because they’re not used to going to a ball game and coming back to their car to find it in one piece.

The 2010 MLB All-Star game will cost Jackson County tax payers $500,000 to pay for FanFest, Home Run Derby and other downtown events, but it will bring $50 million in economic benefits.  $50 million?  That won’t even buy you a pitcher these days.  These salaries are outrageous…GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DARN KIDS!!

A nutrition watchdog group is threatening to take McDonalds to court because it claims the Happy Meal toys use your kids to manipulate you to going to their restaurants and spending your money.
**If your kids manipulate where you’re eating…you lost control as a parent a long time ago.

The smell of smoke forced the evacuation of a Midwest Airlines plane last Monday moments after it landed at Kansas City International Airport.  On board were some cast members of “Little House on the Prairie,” which opens tonight at Starlight Theatre.  An air chute deployed and all 104 passengers escaped safely.
**One of the passengers was spotted running across the prairie yelling, “PA!  PA!”

Whiteman Air Force Base is gaining about 280 personnel for a new mission involving drone aircraft.  The Air Force has decided to make Whiteman the ground control station for its MQ-1 Predator. The airplanes are used primarily for reconnaissance missions and are operated by pilots who remain on the ground.  The personnel will be based at Whiteman; the planes will be deployed elsewhere around the world.
**And they said majoring in Space Invaders at JUCO would never pay off for me.

Something new at Union Station.  The IRS tax payer assistance office will open soon to help tax payers with questions and people who are struggling to pay taxes.
**How about those of us struggling to pay off our bi-state tax?

A South African woman has come up with a unique solution to help fight rape. She has invented female condoms with teeth around them; the insides of the condom have jagged teeth-like parts. The condoms can be used like tampons by women; the teeth would latch themselves around a man’s tallywacker.  The product has yet to be given a name.

TOP 5 NAMES FOR THIS DEVICE:

#5.  Missile Defense System.
#4.  Stoplight on Johnson Drive.
#3.  The Beaver Cleaver.
#2.  Banana Peeler.
#1.  The Clampon.

Welcome to summertime.  The most overheard phrase in Kansas City is now, “Is it hot enough for ya?”  That just replaced, “Is that thing loaded?”

Since they started charging $2 admission at Deanna Rose in Overland Park, attendance has dropped 10 percent, and that’s exactly what Overland Park wanted.
**The goal is to keep poor people out of Overland Park.

Interesting fact:  Did you know there are 2,527 miles of underground sewers in Kansas City?  There’s the answer to our public transportation problem right there.  Instead of light rail we need a log flume ride for commuters.

There was a line around the block Thursday morning at the Country Club Plaza Apple store.   People camped out all night to get the new iPhone.  It’s called the 4G phone but it operates on a 3G network.  AT&T won’t have 4G phones available until 2011.  All the fancy gadgets leave me longing for the days of the good ol’ rotary dial phone.

I want a phone with a long chord and a rotary dial.

I want a phone where call waiting means you wait until I’m finished talking to the person I’m giving my full attention to.
I want a phone that rings and I get to yell, “I got it!” so everyone knows stay off.
I want a phone that stays where it’s supposed to be so I don’t have to go looking for it.
I want a phone where the voice message is a little post-it-note from a live person who actually took the call.
I want a phone that says, if your thoughts aren’t worth using your vocal chords, I don’t want to read your text.
I want a phone where the only app is the sticker that goes behind the dial to let you know what number your finger is in.
I want a phone that doesn’t sync with anything.
I want a phone that doesn’t require a weekend of playing to figure out what the hell it does.
I want a phone that doesn’t accidentally call people when I’m yelling at my kids.
I want a phone that requires me to memorize numbers of important people in my life.

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Give a listen in KC at 99.7 or around the world on GENXKC.COM

Kelly Urich